Don't Drop the Soap
by Two-Idiots
Summary: A look at Lucius in prison. Yeah, that pretty much speaks for itself.
1. Default Chapter

Don't Drop the Soap by Two-Idiots

Disclaimer: As usual, we own nothing but the plot, assuming there is one. Well, we're back again. Two stories in two days. Of course we're on Spring Break now, so we're just bored enough to bore you all with us. Be forewarned, we are sarcastic, and all around very smarmy girls, so if you feel you can't handle the mocking of all your favorite characters, look now, this is really simple, are you looking yet? Don't read and then flame us later. Consider yourselves sufficiently warned.

Summary: The life of Lucius in Azkaban. That just about speaks for itself right there.

"Hello? I've been waiting and waiting all day! When is someone going to send me a house elf to draw my bath? It's not going to draw itself you know!"

"Malfoy! Shut the hell up! You're not at some damn resort! In case you haven't noticed, you are in prison! PRISON! There are no house elves, there are no baths, there are no mints on your pillow either so you had better not even go there." Some random guard says to Lucius, because of course the Dementors are gone, but if they were we'd have had them speaking at our whim too.

"No house elves? No house elves you say? Well how do you expect me to get dressed, eat, function in general? No house elves. What kind of barbarians are you people? No house elves. Just out of curiosity, are there any mudb- I mean Muggle Borns here?"

"Just one. Picked her up trying to free house elves from Hogwarts last year. Thought a summer doing hard labor was just the kind of attitude adjustment she needed." I guess you can see where we're going with this one. "They're just bringing her in now."

Yelling from somewhere down the hall:

"You can take my freedom, but you can never take my freedom! Oh. I think I got that wrong. Let me see, you can take my freedom, but you can never have my … uh… my grades. Yeah, that's it. Isn't it? Anyway, freedom! Freedom to all house elves!"

"NO! Not that girl! Not that wretched girl with the bush on her head!"

"Buck up man. She ain't going to be in the bleeding cell with you. She's going to be in the one across the hall from you. All right fellows, bring the girl in here."

Two big guys show up pushing Granger on some kind of dolly with a straight jacket on, and a mask covering her face. How very Silence of the Lambs of us.

"You can't leave me here. There aren't any books, there's no one to show off in front of, there's no one for me to act all holier than thou with. I'll DIE in here!"

"Well maybe that's the idea you little mudblood."

"Malfoy! The old Malfoy! Oh my God! You can't leave me here across from him! He'll try to kill me!"

"Old? Just who the hell are you calling old?"

"Alright you two. Play nice. Girl, you're only gonna be here two weeks. Malfoy, well now, you'll be here indefinitely. Just enjoy each others company for a little while." And with those famous last words, two mortal enemies are left alone to each other's company for a while. How very droll.

"So. . ."

"So. . ."

"Wanna be my house elf for the next two weeks?"

Okay. Imagine Granger's eyes flashing with anger.

"House elf? House elf? House elf?"

" Yes you know. The little ratty looking things that serve me. And I thought you were supposed to be clever."

"House elves? How dare you! You should learn to do things for yourself."

Okay, now imagine Lucius looking all indignant.

"Do things for myself? How dare you! Do I look like some kind of uncivilized Weasley to you? Now, are you going to be my house elf or not?"

"You are the most evil man I have ever met. Which is saying a lot since I go to school with your son!" ooh, them's fighting words.

To be Continued…… Maybe.

AN/ We'll think about continuing if we get a positive response, but how likely is that? In the meantime feel free to check out our finished stories. Especially our new one, A Hair Raiser. Good stuff. Anyway thanks for reading, now go and review. We have good ideas for this story, we're not stalling at all. So… yeah. Review, and review well, and we'll get back to you with all of our good ideas.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Nothing!

AN/ Well we're back. Bet you thought we were lying about all of our ideas of this story. Bet you didn't care.

One Day Later. . .

"Did you know that you snore like really, really loudly? I mean, I can hear it all the way over here. How very unlady-like of you," Lucius snorted while throwing darts at a picture of Arthur Weasley the hung from his cell wall.

"In my snores you can hear the cries of all House Elves everywhere. The cry for freedom!"

"Wow, and you actually have friends? You know, Draco said you were really obsessive and pathetic, but here I was thinking it was a little exaggerating on his part. However, having spent the last 24 hours in your putrid presence, I can honestly say I hate you just for being your own obnoxious self, as opposed to hating you just because you're a mudblood."

"Oh yeah?"

"Good Comeback."

"Shut up!"

"Even better."

"Well, at least I have better grades than your son!"

"Really? Well, he could have those grades too if it weren't for the fact that he has a little thing called a life. But you wouldn't know about that would you?"

" A have a life. In fact, I'm president of a club, S.P.E.W!"

"Spew? Who would want to be president of a club called spew?"

"Not spew! S.P.E.W. Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. Ron's treasurer and Harry's secretary. So there!"

"Weasley? You put the little Weasel in charge of your money? Well, that's money you'll never see again."

"Why how dare you –"

"Malfoy! Granger! Shut your mouths! You're disturbing our other prisoners with your constant whining and bickering. Now come on, it's time for your breakfast, and then ya get a nice relaxing day of stamping brooms (as opposed to stamping license plates – get it? Why do we get the feeling that one fell flat?)."

AN/ That sounds like a good stopping place. Can't believe we continued this story. We'd like to know what you all want to happen. No romance though. Cause that would be like really, really creepy, not to mention illegal. Oh well. Thanks for the reviews, keep 'em coming. Oh. Special thanks to Sarcastic for reviewing this, Hair Raiser, and their many reviews of If Rumors Were True. Finally, someone who appreciates the sarcasm of our epic.


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